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Red, white and du..o.

At my first ultrasound last week, I swore.

“Holy. Shit.”

It wasn’t my classiest moment.

At 8 weeks, I haven’t even had the energy to shower as of late, but U/S day is a big day, so I got up, put on my best #casualpotter shirt, mascara (later revealed to be a horrible life decision), and began the circus of getting the kids ready, packing them into the car (good thing we got that minivan after all), driving to pick up the babysitter, driving to pick up my mom, driving back home, unloading the kids and the sitter, picking up Jesse, and driving to my appointment.

30+ minutes of paperwork.

Wait another 30 minutes.

Get set up on ultrasound table. Jelly on the belly, eyes on the screen.

“Ok, here’s the first one… and there’s the second one.”

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Holy shit, indeed.

I felt the blood drain out of my face and big, fat, hormone-charged tears full of allllll the feelings welled up.

Two.

I am not ready for this. I am not capable of this. My body cannot handle this. THIS IS SO COOL. Jack will maybe be two. And he’s Jack. Do we have enough room? Money. Sanity.

Here I am, writing this down. I can’t imagine that I’ll get better at logging in and journaling about our family like I’d aimed to. Will bullet point lists suffice for record keeping? And thought I felt guilty for not writing about Jack the way I did for Carter. Oy.

I won’t be shouting this from the roofs of Facebook quite yet, so for anyone reading — please let’s just keep it here.

This next part is kind of just for my own remembrance.

Weeks 1-9:

I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks, and right about 5 started feeling really sick. I came down with an intense sinus infection that piggybacked onto all-day nausea, fatigue and a headache. It got to the point I’d nap during Jack’s nap and then wait for Jesse to get off work so that I could go back to sleep.

I really thought I was a wimp. We took a family vacation to California for Legoland and the beach during week 6 and I pushed through, but several times went back to the hotel early or needed to sit down for breaks. #wetblanket

By the time we got back, I spent the next week almost entirely in bed or on the couch. Actually, not much has changed since then. Then there was the 8 week appointment.

Since then, though I do feel a little relieved that the crazy symptoms are “normal”, that’s about the only relief there’s been. It’s been the same headache (going on a month now), nausea, dizziness, shortness of breath, congestion, foggy brain (words are hard), trouble sleeping, constant need to pee, acne, food aversions, and my least favorite — lower back pain. And all of them are turbocharged and I’m frustrated and scared and excited and achey and weepy and so tired.

Basically, I’m a picnic.

My husband and my mom are up for sainthood and you should buy them a pony or at least a mixed drink. I love you guys.

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8 1/2 Weeks: Dirty house, haggard Heather, toddler Jack. It might be mostly bloat, but yes, yes that is a bump.

Ready or not, here we go.

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