King Heather

My desk is an ugly mess. And I keep forgetting that Starbucks automatically puts breve in Italian sodas, ugh. Yeah, yeah.

Have you ever played Beautiful Katamari? My life feels like  is that game: my head is huge, and I roll around amassing objects and clinging on to them trying to plug up a hole. (That’s the point of the game, you know — to plug up a hole. Those Japanese and their metaphoric video games.) I fall into bed at night with an unsteady, unwieldy head full of useless objects that smash the intriguing ones. When I wake up, I usually forget to let the blood go down my legs before my feet touch down, and I crack under the weight of my big old head.

I’m convinced it’s a common syndrome; tell me, do you also forget the rules of proper circulation? Do you wake up singing deplorable Bruno Mars songs when you can’t remember ever actually listening to them? Tunes from The Lion King? Wham?

Must just be me.

There’s something you should know — I don’t have a hole. Or if I do, it’s because I created it, dug at the clasp with frantic fingers until I felt calm again. No time for contentment — the cavity is back! It needs to be filled! Do work!

Anyway, amongst the substantial stuff, here is what’s been going on in my Katamari-brain.

1. I completely forgot how cool racing stripes were in the 90’s. Like racing stripes on the sides of Hawaiian print dresses — the epitome of 8th grade cool. Erin and I stayed up school-teacher late watching 10 Things I Hate About You on Saturday night (xxhardcorexx), and that came up. Also noted: two piece prom dresses — a crop top and a poufy ballgown skirt.

2. Every year that I’ve taught Romeo and Juliet I think it, and now I’m going to just come out with it: the actor who plays Romeo in the 1968 version of the film looks so much like Zac Efron. So much. So today, I googled it. The automatic search terms indicated that I was not the first to do so, which was satisfying.

3. Last weekend, it was discovered that I have a neighbor that is a Tiger Woods impersonator. No really, he is. I feel like we need to be friends. I’m not particularly friendly with any of my neighbors, but he’d be a good place to start. I also want to be friends with the Education Connection girl. She seems nice.

4. You know what occasionally frightens and confuses me? Pinterest. UGH, Pinterest, UGH. I mean, it’s a great resource — such good stuff. And if you’re out there, Jennifer Rolland — you have impeccable taste in shoes. But picture me (or someone more intimidating, perhaps) wagging my finger and being sassy when I say, “You do not have a boyfriend, so please stop ‘pinning’ your imaginary wedding. How do you know your future lover-man will approve of baby green and ochre?” But maybe I’m just a dream killer. Probably.

5. I need to spend more time doing things like this:

6. Where do all the socks go? By process of elimination, I’m the laundry lady at home. My least favorite part of this least likable burden are the socks. I’m an unmotivated sock matcher, and the littlest sir does not help the matter.

In Beautiful Katamari, the oppressive king yells at you the whole time — your work is never good enough. But in my life, I’m the oaf that keeps yelling. It’s like, chill out King Heather. It’ll get done. The hole will get filled. Just keep focusing on the fun, fluffy stuff. That’s valuable, too.

1 thought on “King Heather”

  1. you ARE a dream killer. I would pinterest my imaginary wedding and I already had one…so there. also, I don’t even try to match socks. I just grab 2 (usually some shade of pink) and stuff ’em on the little feet. I don’t even own any of my own…I think socks are disposable and matching them is a complete waste of time and thought energy.

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