Little wet tears on your baby’s shoulder.

Over four years ago, when we moved into our first place and adopted our first living responsibility.

We’ve been married for four years, together for five. I’m twenty-four, so that makes my marriage 1/6 of my life. What would I, could I, divide and label the other five fractions? It is no wonder that our lives feel like separate pieces, held all together by loose strings, or tightly fastened ropes, or invisible threads only known by our secret internalizations. How many connections are real; how many are one-sided imaginations?

The scan is from eight weeks along, but I’m eleven weeks tomorrow. Nearly three months. Nearly out of this first semester. I wake up, touch my belly, roll side to side to see if it is as large as yesterday. I have a distinctive pouch, marsupial and firm. Eating is a chore, and I’m having a hard time keeping weight on. I’ve never been accustomed to forcing myself to eat. I’m assuming this problem will right itself. Other lovely tidbits rarely discussed within the realms of trying to conceive:

  • One boob significantly larger than the other
  • Being tired all the time to the point I’m not sure I can make it through the day
  • Absentminded and slow to think
  • Mouth constantly flooding with spit
  • Projectile vomit when prenatals are taken without eating
  • Constant nausea without vomiting
  • Intense back pain due to tilted uterus
  • Waking up 3+ times a night to pee
  • Being constipated on a regular basis
  • Skin breaking out worse than it ever did in puberty
  • Bruising easily
  • Being constantly snotty/sniffly because of inflamed membranes
  • Getting dizzy every time I sit or stand up
  • Facial peach fuzz getting darker
  • Abdominal soreness
  • Tingling fingers
  • Feeling uncomfortably warm
  • Crazy dreams

Some of these I’ve been able to help, like sleeping with a humidifier for the congestion or eating more/getting more iron for the dizziness and circulation issues. Others, like the dreams, cannot be helped.

I wish there was a way to check in on my uterus — just to make sure everything was ok — whenever I wanted. I worry often, and needlessly.

I had a checkup last Monday. Even with a tilted uterus and an empty bladder, the doctor could pick up the baby’s strong heartbeat. He said he was “thinking pink” because of the rapid speed. But not to quote him. I just read that if it is a girl, she has developed ovaries by now. Woah.

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